Why marriage must be banned now

I’ve been thinking long and hard about something over the weekend. Humanity is in a dreadful pickle at the moment, and we need fresh and radical thinking if we’re to preserve civilisation into the coming decades. We need to fix Britain’s Broken Society, but we need to do it on the cheap, because there isn’t any money left and there won’t be until about 2065. And the answer is obvious. We need to ban marriage. At a single stroke, we could all but obliterate nearly everything that’s currently wrong with the world, up to and including war. Think about the benefits:

1. Monogamy (and relationships in general) based on freely-given love, not the threat of a legal obligation and crippling financial/social punishment.

2. The impoverishment of thousands upon thousands of vulture scum lawyers, currently massively enriching themselves by poisoning human relationships beyond salvation.

3. An end to discrimination against gay people who want to have the same rights as heterosexual couples. Now they will!

4. No more godawful films with “Wedding” in the title. Has there been a single one in all of history that didn’t make all sane people want to slash their wrists?

5. Nobody would ever again have to watch family members over the age of 35 dancing.

6. The collapse of most celebrity magazines. With no fairytale marriages or acrimonious divorces to speculate about or pick apart, how are they going to make anyone care about Jordan and Peter Andre?

7. Deflation of the housing bubble/debt crisis. By not spunking £30,000 on a massive ceremony that nobody actually enjoys, couples will be able to afford a decent home without taking on crippling mortgages that are the driving force behind a greedy, selfish society.

(8. Or conversely, an end to the bizarre situation where a couple can suddenly demand vast amounts of free consumer goods from friends and relatives they haven’t spoken to in a decade just by splashing out on a couple of cheap rings and spending half an hour in a registry office.)

9. The inescapable fact that had this legislation been in place already, Heather Mills would be neither obscenely rich nor on TV.

10. Christians will be able to have sex, making them less of a pain in the arse and giving them something to do with their time other than write letters of complaint to the BBC whenever someone says “bum” before 9pm.

11. Without the illusory security and faux-respectability of marriage, people will think more carefully before burdening the world and themselves with offspring. So more space, more resources to go round (therefore fewer wars), and people won’t mind using public transport so much.

12. Not unrelatedly, one less way for the Tories/Mail/Express to whine on about “family values” while vilifying single mothers and the poor.

13. Islamic fundamentalists won’t have any excuses for raping their wives any more.

14. And most importantly of all, no more fucking stag and hen parties ruining everyone else’s night at comedy clubs.

Who’s with me?

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4 Responses to “Why marriage must be banned now”

  1. wow. i absolutely agree with everything stated here. marriage has no use in society except as a placebo anymore.

    it causes problems and solves none. i have seen plenty of proof that 2 people can have a life together without marriage. and the bond is just as strong as it ever could be.

  2. I actually quite like The Wedding Singer, which is particularly shocking as it stars Adam Sandler. Whether or not I qualify as sane is for you to decide.

  3. Personal objection has always been based on point 1, although it’s put far more succinctly here (as usual). The rest just solidifies it.

    Must commit this post to memory!

  4. I agree with much of this – though I might be married myself, I’m in no way a supporter of that institution – but #2 is a view of divorce lawyers warped by a media that pores over the minutiae of every celebrity breakup. There’s a direct correlation between poverty and divorce; for every fat cat lawyer milking the Mills-McCartney malarkey (I wasn’t surprised to see that brought up as the shining example of a divorce case) there are far, far more who spend much of their working day mediating between parties to stop them doing something really, really stupid, usually involving kids. And that’s often on a legal aid budget that barely covers costs and continues to shrink year on year.

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