Perfect Dark Zero, more like

Perfect Dark XBLA is out today, for 800 MS points (about £6.80).

I've been looking forward to this one excitedly for months, as I love PD even more than Goldeneye and the thought of being able to play it in shiny high def and without the framerate catastrophes was almost too thrilling for words. However, knowing how moronically incompetent and lazy modern developers are, I warily downloaded the trial version first. I'm not a complete idiot.

There are three control choices. None is a "legacy" option, so it's impossible to play using the factory-fitted controls of the N64 original, even though the default method here is called "Classic", and even though the 360 sequel Perfect Dark Zero had legacy controls. That'll be that, then – one of the very finest videogames of all time just got ruined by dicks. 

(And just to remove any last possible doubt about the fact that they're a hopeless bunch of inept cretins who don't give a worm's rectum about doing their jobs properly, there's no southpaw option for left-handed players either.)

Well done, 4J Studios. Truly great work there. Fuck off and stop wasting my fucking time, you insufferably useless, stupid fucking CUNTS.



24 Responses to “Perfect Dark Zero, more like”

  1. Blech.  Motion sickness too.

  2. notlimahc Says:

    Looks like they've noticed the complaints:

  3. 800 Microsoft points are £6.80? How come when I paid for 400 points to get Chime I was charged £4.25?

  4. Because you had to actually buy 500 points, which cost £4.25. You probably also bought them direct from Microsoft through your 360 too, which is insanity. Online you can get 2100 points for £17 or less, which makes 800 points in fact cost about £6.47.

    But keep an eye on places like SavyGamer to be able to pick 2100 points up for as little as £13.

  5. Why don't console games let you map your own controls? Sort it out, consoles.

  6. The extra-spastic thing is that the 360 has a special dashboard setting where you CAN specify how you want your FPS games to work and choose legacy controls. But everyone just over-rides it, because they're useless fucking wankers.

  7. The more I read about points, the happier I am that Apple made the cunning decision to enable people to pay in currency. When I want one game for my iPod that costs 59p, I pay 59p. Anyone not following this basic model doesn't deserve to live.

  8. Irish Al Says:

    Did I hear somewhere that Microsoft were considering ditching points as well? Possibly due to the legal situation with this nonsense where you're always left with too few points to spend up on anything else after a purchase (except backgrounds and themes and other bullshit maybe), yet enough points to keep niggling at you not to waste them.

  9. Just recently, I doodled some comics on the subject of video game hell. The programs condemned to the digital underworld, and the crimes that led them there, were naturally inspired by the gaming bêtes noires of Stu and the rest of the AP posse. You can see them through the following VirtualWindows.

    The last one is fairly relevant to the issue under discussion here. Possibly it may raise a smile.

  10. Indeed. In the words of Mil Millington, it's a bit of a no-win option being an atheist.

  11. Re: MSpoints. I am terribly stupid and evidently have a very short memory.

  12. @Irish Al: It wouldn't surprise me if Microsoft ditches points, but it'd be more likely down to that being what Apple does rather than any supposed legal reasons. (Win Phone 7 Series and Zune HD 2 are such an obvious Apple ecosystem clone that it's quite pathetic.)
    @Matt: 'wunch' is a most excellent sound effect.

  13. wow, so just so i'm clear.. you're giving PD ( one of the all time amazing FPS games ) 0/10 because you can't use the controls.. which is funny as seeing as you have a 360 I would have thought that the halo or modern warfare-esk set-ups would be simple enough to get used to. Personally I find the Classic set-up as usable as ever.



  14. Irish Al Says:

    'Wunch' is also what Jonathon Ross has when he's a bit hungwy.

  15. "0/10 because you can't use the controls.."

    Well, no – I'm giving it 0/10 because otherwise the title joke doesn't work. I'm not in the habit of giving serious scores based on a five-minute look at the demo version. What do you think I am, Official Xbox Magazine or something?

  16. I don't always agree with the Rev but that last reply did make me laugh a while 😀

  17. This is unreal. No legacy controls and southpaw controls in Perfect Dark?Legacy  was default controls in this game!This was my most anticipated game of the year,thanks Rare.I've been playing FPS for the last 10 years with legacy controls because of GE and PD, and most games have options for different control schemes(Halo,CoD,Battlefield BC2). Even PDZ had options, let alone the original PD which had a plethora of options.
    I can play the "standard" control style if I wanted to. I just don't want to. It's not fun for me.For me legacy is really better, especially for on-line.
    And all my friends I know who  play with legacy controls and  southpaw controls…and all my friends are disappointed just like I am.
    This is just lazy and inconsiderate on the part of the developers. A real big slap to many biggest fans of Perfect Dark.
    Join me for complaint on Facebook on Rare's and Microsoft's official pages.!/pages/Microsoft-Game-studios/33832490924?v=box_3!/pages/Rareware/32970379215?v=info

  18. I too would have love to have the old style coontrols but i was able to play it anyway after a few hours of practice. Wich is not the case of one of my two pals with whom i was playing PD on the N64. It's sad…

    By the way, Perfect Dark Zero is not a sequel, it's a prequel. 😉

  19. Rare just announced this on their Twitter – #PerfectDark title update 2 set for late April! Achievement fixes, Southpaw & Legacy controls, Swap Triggers, aim sensitivity sliders, plus Solo & Team 'Hardcore' playlists (no radar or auto-aim). All issues investigated, some had too many knock-on effects to implement

  20. Angry shouting FTW!

  21. Noobsaibot Says:

    * LOUD NOISES!!!!! *

  22. review updated?

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